


Ad Astra Per Aspera

by calculatingthestars



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Sort Of, mckirk - Freeform, mckirk through the years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:02:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23478895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calculatingthestars/pseuds/calculatingthestars
Summary: To the stars, with difficulty.At the end of the Enterprise's second five-year mission, Kirk comes upon a crossroads and makes his choice. Or: how Leonard McCoy realizes that giving in is not the same as giving up, and no matter how hard you try, you can't choose who you love.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 66
Kudos: 170





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Star Trek is one of my oldest fandoms, but one that I have never written anything for. Partly because it has had so many wonderful authors (both in the canon novels and in fandom), and mostly because I couldn't think of a story that hasn't already been told.
> 
> As you can see from the summary, this is based on a slow-burn trope that has been well-trod by other amazing authors, but when I heard the news about the Kelvin timeline movies being canceled I really wanted to write this. As a goodbye to a wonderful cast, a small sendoff to a version of Jim and Bones that I had never imagined until Chris Pine and Karl Urban played them.
> 
> Trek has been a sci-fi staple for over 50 years, and I'm sure we'll see other actors play these parts again someday, but until then... I hope you enjoy my small contribution to the tapestry of Trek.

**THEN: JIM**

_"All I've got left is my bones."_

It sounds like the start of a bad holo porn, but like many things in Jim Kirk's life, it's not at all what it seems.

Leonard McCoy is simultaneously an open book and a locked door, a man who'll tell you exactly what he thinks of you and yet will reveal nothing at all about himself. It bothers Jim, at first, when they fall into the easy cadence of friendship, because in many ways McCoy is quite the opposite of anyone he had previously called friend.

The fact that they become the very _best_ of friends in no time at all would be shocking to Jim if he'd ever stopped to think about it, but in between good-natured debates and very occasional (but surprisingly thoughtful) gestures, it never occurs to him to do so.

Until it does.

It's the middle of their second year at the academy when Jim walks into Bones' quarters, surprising the other man at his vidcom. McCoy beats a hasty goodbye and slaps his palm down on the panel, but not before Jim catches a glimpse of the screen: a girl, about ten-years-old, who is the spitting image of his best friend.

"Damn it, Jim," McCoy says, exasperated. "Don't you ever knock?"

"You know I don't," Jim says, standing frozen. He tries to process this new bit of information, flipping through his memories of Leonard in an effort to figure out if he'd missed anything during their frequently intoxicated conversations. He comes up frustratingly empty, which can only bring him to the conclusion that Bones has been purposely _hiding_ this from him.

"Bones... you have a _kid_?"

And somehow, the thought _stings_. Quite a bit more than he'd like, come to think about it.

McCoy sighs, running a hand through his hair. "It's complicated," he replies. "It's not a secret or anything, I just--"

Jim holds up both hands, trying for a grin that ends up looking more like a grimace. "Hey, no big deal," he says. "No rule that says you have to tell me everything." _Or anything_ , he thinks but doesn't say, but somehow Leonard hears it anyway.

McCoy's frown deepens, and this time he gets up from his chair, moving towards Jim as if worried that he might bolt.

"Look, my daughter isn't someone I like talking about," he says. "When I said that my wife got everything in the divorce, I meant _everything_."

His jaw tightens and he looks away, as if bracing himself. "I've only recently gotten comm privileges back. The judge reconsidered, what with me making it to second year here and all. I just-- I don't want to fuck this up, kid.

'It's got nothing to do with you."

Jim winces. He knows what Bones means but that doesn't take the sting out of his words, and he swallows down the retort that bubbles up with no small amount of effort. He knows what the other cadets think of him, what they say about him behind his back, but he'd never thought that Bones might think the same.

Two years ago, he would've shrugged off the comment and fucked off out of Leonard's life; he'd prided himself on not needing anyone and god knew he'd never cared enough to stay where he wasn't wanted.

But _now_? It's his second year at the academy and for all of Jim Kirk's bluster, he's starting to think that Starfleet, that _command_ , is something he's made for, something that he can rightfully _earn_.

The silence is tense for a moment, _taut_ , until Jim lets out a huff of breath. "It's none of my business," he says firmly. "But you're my friend, Bones, and I hope you know that I don't say that lightly. If you ever--"

And now it's his turn to look away, fixing his gaze on some random point behind McCoy's head. "If you ever need a shoulder, I'm here."

Surprise flickers across McCoy's features, some emotion that Jim can't quite place, before he gives him a tentative smile. "Thanks, kid," he says, and reaches out to clap him on the shoulder. "Maybe one day I'll take you up on that."

It takes a while longer after this before Leonard finally opens up, two full months later while they're getting solidly drunk at their favorite dive bar.

He tells Jim about Jocelyn, about _Joanna_ , about David McCoy and everything that his death had triggered, and somehow, drunk as he is, Jim understands _exactly_ what's being given to him at this moment.

_Trust._

And he knows, deep down, that he'd die before he’d ever betray it.

* * *

**NOW: LEONARD**

This time, Leonard arrives first.

It's a couple of days before Jim's birthday and, as is their tradition, he brings a bottle of the finest alcohol he can get his hands on in deep space.

The door to Jim's quarters slides open under his touch, but the captain isn't there. Unusual, as Jim tends to brood during this time of the year, and McCoy knows he's been off duty for hours.

He lets himself in anyway, pulling three glasses out from under the bar and pouring the brandy in equal portions.

Then he waits, gaze drifting to the porthole as he mulls over the day, thoughts drifting to Earth and everything that's waiting for him there.

They've got a month left in their current tour, and while Leonard has been faithfully following Jim through space, his friend's birthday isn't the only reason he'd wanted the chance to talk.

For the first time in thirteen years of friendship, Leonard doesn't know what Jim's plans are for the immediate future, and he hasn't taken them into account when planning his own at all.

It's both freeing and terrifying all at once, but at forty-one, Leonard's ready to pack it in. He's ready to accept the promotion that Fleet Medical has been trying to press on him since the _last_ five-year tour ended, ready to get his feet on solid ground in time to see Jo graduate.

He's ready to let Jim go.

The thought is sobering despite not yet having a drop of alcohol in his veins, and he almost misses the soft hiss of the doors opening, Jim's quiet tread coming up behind him.

"Bones."

"Jim."

There's a smile on Jim's face that doesn't quite meet his eyes, and McCoy responds in kind.

At thirty-five, Jim Kirk is in the prime of his life, the youngest officer to ever make Captain, a hero of the Federation a dozen times over. There isn't a doubt in Leonard's mind that Jim belongs in space, that he'll keep going out there until the brass stops letting him, and maybe not even _then_.

The silence between them hasn't felt this heavy in years, and for a moment they simply look at each other, before Jim breaks the tension by sliding into the stool in front of him.

He looks down at the half-filled glasses on the table, his mouth curving into a smile more genuine as he touches the third glass.

"Think he'd be proud of me?"

"You know he would be," Leonard replies. That much is easy to say, and something sparks in Jim's eyes as he looks up at him, the artificial light making the blue in his eyes seem almost electric.

"Are you?"

Leonard blinks, surprised at the candidness of the question. "Since when have you ever needed my approval?" he asks mock-gruffly, but sobers at Jim's expression. "Of course I am. How can you even ask me that?"

More silence, and Leonard opens his mouth to prod but Jim beats him to it.

"Fleet Medical sent me a list of potential replacement CMOs last night," he says. "Seeing as how my current CMO has apparently seen fit to apply for a transfer without having the grace to tell me. Being the flagship and all, they wanted me to have time to go through the list and do all the necessary interviews."

He laughs, and the sound is sharp. "They were trying to be considerate, I think."

Leonard swallows. "It wasn't official yet," he says. "You know that. Nothing's set until it passes through you, and I was just making unofficial inquiries about--"

"You officially, unofficially told Fleet Medical that you were accepting the Head of Xenobiology position at the Academy," Jim cuts in. "Were you really going to wait until we were planet-side before telling me?"

"No, damn it," McCoy bursts out. "I was going to tell you _now_. I don't know what the hell they were thinking, jumping the gun like that. It'll be months at least before the Enterprise retrofits are even _finished--_ "

He's rambling, he knows, and Jim blinks at him.

"You were going to tell me that you were leaving... on my _birthday_?" he asks, and _that_ shuts Leonard's mouth with a clack.

"It's not-- it's not _actually_ your birthday yet," he says, and Jim huffs. "I was just looking for a chance to talk to you _alone_ , damn it, not with the whole mess hall listening in."

"Mr. Sensitive, right?" Jim mutters, turning his chin away, but not before Leonard catches the _gleam_ in his eye.

"You bastard," Leonard breathes, and in spite of himself, the tension seeps from his shoulders. "You actually made me _think_ \--"

Jim cracks a crooked smile, holding up his glass. "You're not off the hook, Bones," he says. "I'm still pissed that you didn't tell me sooner, but I figure... after all the shit you gave me for not telling you about the Yorktown years ago, this makes us even, right?"

Leonard purses his lips, wanting to argue that _no, this wasn't the same thing at all_ , but he takes the olive branch for what it is and picks up his own glass.

"I s'pose," he says, and they clink their glasses together with the third, and drink.


	2. Chapter 2

**THEN: LEONARD**

It's not as if Leonard has never thought about Jim in _that way_.

A man would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to spend any length of time with Jim and not at least entertain the notion, but McCoy has precious few friends to speak of and he's never known sex to not complicate things.

He's not ready for anything more than that, and Jim-- Jim's too busy making eyes at every pretty humanoid to even _think_ about anything more than a quick roll in the sack.

No, Jim Kirk is strictly off limits, and if Leonard sometimes thinks of him in any sense that isn't _entirely_ platonic, well... What Jim doesn't know won't hurt him.

And besides, it's not as if Leonard has exactly been celibate all this time. He's a healthy, young-ish man, and he's not beyond the occasional one night stand. He even tries dating a few times, though it surprises no one when they never progress beyond a month or two.

Leonard chalks it up to his hectic academic schedule combined with grueling clinic shifts, until he cancels on a date for what turns out to be the last time and ends up with an earful about his 'friendship' with Jim Kirk.

_"Why date in the first place if you're already in a relationship?"_ she says snippily, before ending the comm.

Leonard is left staring at it for a good long while, mentally going through the month he'd been dating Katherine and realizing with increasing discomfort how often he'd blown her off for Jim.

And the hell of it was, he really _did_ have to study tonight.

Almost as if on cue, his door slides open and Jim walks in as if owns the place, cradling bags of take-out and dumping them on the kitchen counter.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he says cheekily, winking at Leonard. "Brought you your favorite."

"I can see that," Leonard replies, crossing his arms over his chest. "Thought I told you I had to study tonight."

Jim holds up his hands. "Hey, so do I," he protests. "Thought we could grab a quick bite and then study together." His brow furrows. "Did I do something wrong? Is Katherine coming over? I can leave if--"

But Leonard shakes his head, already bringing over plates and cutlery. "Nah, I'm just giving you a hard time," he says. "And Katherine dumped me."

"Ah," Jim says, pausing. "You're not going to start crying, are you? Because you were only dating a couple weeks, you can't be _that_ broken up about it..."

He doesn't dodge the plastic spoon that Leonard lobs at his head, obligingly rubbing his forehead and saying 'ow'.

"Infant," Leonard mutters, and passes him a box noodles.

By the time Jim hands him dessert, Katherine is already forgotten.

* * *

**NOW: LEONARD**

Jo's face fills the screen and, not for the first time, Leonard marvels at how much she's grown up. She's twenty-three and about to graduate from Starfleet Academy-- Command track, no less-- and when he'd left five years ago she'd just decided to apply, barely out of her teens and tentatively finding her way.

She's a young woman now, about to become an officer in her own right, and Leonard shoves back the wave of emotion that threatens to choke him.

He feels like he's missed so much, _too much_ , and the irony of his return just as she's about to leave is not lost on him.

"And you're sure you'll be back for the ceremony, daddy?" she asks for the third time, because as much as things change, some things will always stay the same.

"I sure will, Jo," he says. "Wild horses couldn't keep me away."

She beams, the vid wavering slightly before clearing up again. They're on their way home and haven't got a single mission left between here are Earth, and all that's left is to wait. "I can't wait to see you," she says. "How's uncle Jim?"

"Good," he says, after a slight pause. "I told him, sort of. He didn't make too much of a fuss, to be honest." He tries to keep the hurt out of his voice but isn't entirely successful, and Jo's eyes narrow.

"You know, for the bravest man I know, you can be a huge wuss," she says, and Leonard's brows raise.

"Tell me how you really feel, why don't you?" His daughter is annoyingly perceptive-- a trait she'd gotten from her mother-- and she'd called him on his attachment to Jim Kirk years ago.

Leonard had brushed it off at the time, but Jo had apparently taken it upon herself to see that her father didn't 'die sad and alone' (as she liked to put it), and would often bring the captain up when he'd least expect it.

"You're about to leave the Enterprise, dad. If you don't tell him now, you might never see him again, and then where would you be?"

"I didn't mean _actually_ tell me," Leonard protests, but Jo steamrolls ahead.

"Mom has Clay and they're _happy_. He takes care of her, and I know I can go up into the black and not have to worry too much," she says. "But you're _alone._ How can I concentrate on my duties when I'm worried that you won't have _anyone_?"

"So it's all about you, then?" Leonard asks, amused in spite of himself. "Well, you don't have to worry, because I actually _am_ seeing someone."

Joanna's shriek almost deafens him across the comm, and Leonard shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me _before_?"

"Because there was nothing to tell," Leonard says. "It's fairly new still, but it's good, Jo. She's really nice, a researcher on Jupiter Station, and we've been kind of keeping contact since we met at a medical conference last year. Since I'm--" He clears his throat. "Since I'm taking the Academy posting on Earth, we decided to try giving it a real go. So you don't have to worry about me, all right?"

To her credit, Jo's smile wavers only a little bit. "Okay, daddy," she says. "If you're happy, I'm happy." She pauses. "But are you _sure_? Uncle Jim--"

And _god damn_ but that man has the worst timing in the world, and his cheerful voice rings out across Leonard's quarters, startling both McCoys. "Hi, Jo!"

Leonard swears colorfully while Jo recovers with far more grace, giving the captain a wide grin and a wave. "Hi, uncle Jim," she says. "We were just talking about you."

"Only good things, I hope?" he says, raising a brow. "Bones mentioned he was comm'ing and I wanted to drop by and say hi."

"Knocking would be appreciated next time," Leonard says icily, and Jim has the grace to send him an apologetic glance.

"Sorry," he says, before turning back to Jo. "Congratulations on the upcoming graduation! I'm going to be giving the commencement address, so I'll see you there."

Leonard lets them chatter a bit, his annoyance giving way to something far more fond. Jim had always taken great pains to get to know Jo, from the moment he'd found out about her existence to the day they'd shipped out. Hell, half the time Leonard had sent comms, Jim'd found a way to stick his face in the frame; it's no wonder Jo's so invested in their non-relationship.

He snaps back to the present when he realizes he's been staring at Jim the whole time, a fact that both Jim and Joanna are now aware of as they'd both turned to look at him expectantly, as if waiting for an answer.

"Sorry, spaced out for a bit," he says, withering under his daughter's knowing look. "What was that?"

"Jim asked if it was okay to take us out for lunch the day after graduation," Joanna repeats slowly, as if speaking to an exceptionally slow child. "I have to go to dinner with mom and Clay the night before, but I'm okay with lunch if you are?"

"Yes, of course," Leonard says immediately. "Thanks, Jim."

Jim's eyes search him for a moment longer before he turns back to Jo, bidding his goodbyes. "I don't want to take up too much of your time," he says, and claps Leonard on the back. "Watch this one, Bones. She's going to make a bigger name for herself than you and I combined."

And then he's gone, the doors closing with a hiss.

For a moment, neither McCoy speaks.

"So," Jo finally says, dryly. "Tell me more about your lady friend on Jupiter Station."


	3. Chapter 3

**THEN: LEONARD**

The first thing that Leonard registers is that he's _warm_.

The second is that he's naked, and that Jim Kirk is _spooning_ him.

Jim Kirk is also naked.

Leonard swears softly as the events of the night before trickle through the fog in his brain, memories coming of wanting to celebrate Jim's birth, a well-meaning bottle of bourbon, and _Jim_ , handsome and strong and _perfect_ , taking his face in his hands and _kissing him_.

_Thank you, Bones. I could never bring myself to celebrate..._ _Not on the day, but._ A long pause, a shy smile. _Thanks._

They'd both been drunk, Jim had been bordering on maudlin, and Leonard... Leonard would never have let himself do this with Jim, had he been sober.

He swears softly as the dull ache of what promised to be an epic hangover starts to pound in the space behind his eyes, flashes of lips and teeth and tongue and _flesh_ cascading in his mind.

From what he could remember, it had been _amazing_. Amazing, but far different from anything that Leonard had ever conjured in his occasional indulgent fantasies.

He colors as he looks down at himself, the sheet pooling around his waist, bearing finger-shaped bruises against his hip. He's pleasantly sore, something he hasn't felt in a good long while, and he scrubs a hand over his eyes as he tries not to think of the sensation of Jim moving inside of him, breath hot against his neck.

_Bones_ , he'd whispered. _Bones, Bones, Bones._ Over and over, like a mantra, his voice caught between tenderness and desire, as if Jim was the one who was about to fly apart, as if he wasn't taking Leonard completely apart beneath him.

_Intense_ didn't really begin to cover it, but it was the only word Leonard had. When Jim did anything, he did it wholeheartedly, up to and including fucking his best friend.

_But_ , a little voice inside of him whispers. _That's not the right word, is it?_

Leonard quashes it ruthlessly, getting to his feet so quickly that it jostles Jim awake, who blinks up at him blearily from the bed.

"My fucking head..." He groans, groping blindly for Bones' pillow and shoving it over his face. "How much did we drink last night?"

It takes a while for Bones to answer, as he's reaching for the medkit on his nightstand. "The whole bottle," he says, before his fingers finally find purchase on the hypo he's looking for. He presses it against his neck before reaching out to press it against Jim's thigh, the closest body part he can reach, and he watches the muscles relax after a handful of seconds.

He steels himself before leaning over and pulling the pillow away from Jim's face, a surprisingly lucid blue gaze greeting him.

"Thanks," Jim says softly, and Leonard knows he doesn't mean the hypo. "You didn't have to--" He gestures vaguely, before pushing himself up on his elbows so he can meet Leonard's gaze more fully. "No one has ever--"

He stops again, looking somewhat lost, and Leonard reaches out and takes his hand. It feels surprisingly intimate despite what they'd done last night, and Jim returns his grip with equal fervor.

"You're welcome," Leonard says. "You're my best friend, Jim. You need me, I'm here." He looks at Jim square in the eye. "Got that?"

Jim nods.

His grip on Leonard's hand tighten momentarily before loosening, and his lips quirk as he surveys their current state, as if to say ' _what now?_ '

This part is a lot harder, but Leonard knows that it's his only recourse. Despite everything he's accomplished the past couple years, he's far from all right, far from being the father that Jo deserves, far from being the man he wants to be.

He gently pulls his hand away from Jim's, reaches up to cup his jaw instead.

The kiss he gives him is brief, _chaste_ , and then he sits back, putting distance between them.

"You're my best friend," he repeats, and Jim's face falls, ever so slightly, before he schools his expression into something more neutral.

"Yeah," Jim says, and Leonard gives him a minute, not budging from the spot. He'd meant what he'd said; he'd never willingly leave Jim if he needed him, but the rest of it... Neither of them are ready, and Leonard isn't willing to jeopardize one of his most important relationships for the sake of getting off.

Eventually, Jim shakes it off, legs swing over the side of the bed as his mouth quirks up in a familiar grin.

" _Dibs on the shower._ " And he's off before Leonard can protest.

...

The next year, two days before Jim's birthday, Leonard shows up with a bottle of whiskey. "Happy birthday, Jim," he says, and he pours out a finger of whiskey in three glasses and pointedly puts the bottle aside.

Jim understands the gesture for what it is, and he uncurls from his position overlooking the Academy grounds, padding across the dorm rooftop to drop down next to Leonard.

"Thank you," he says quietly. "For remembering."

Leonard nods, and they lean back against the entrance door, side by side, toasting first to George Kirk, and then to Jim.

And, somehow, it's _enough_.

* * *

**NOW: LEONARD**

"I was thinking about going home for a little bit," Jim says one night, apropos of nothing as he makes small notations on the latest engineering report. "Jo's probably going to want to spend time with Jocelyn and Clay before she ships out. Come with me while she's in Georgia?"

"I'm seeing someone," Leonard blurts out, and Jim pauses, looking up from his PADD.

"Ah," he says mildly. "I take it vacation plans with me are out, then?"

Nine times out of ten, they take shore leave together. The only time they don't is when they're near Earth and Jo has the time to see Leonard, and even then Jim still manages to show up for part of the trip.

It's fair for Jim to assume that this leave will be more of the same, that they'll be taking some time together because Leonard will be staying and Jim _won't_ , just so they have a little time to say _goodbye_.

Thing is, Leonard's always been terrible at goodbyes.

"Her name is Ava and she's on Jupiter Station," he says in a rush. "She was going to shuttle in right after Jo's graduation and we were going to--"

"Bones," Jim holds up a hand. "It's all right; I don't need to know your itinerary." He gives McCoy a wry smile. "Is lunch with Jo still on or do you have to leave right away?"

"No, it's fine," Leonard says quickly. "Her shuttle's scheduled for sixteen hundred."

"I'll make sure you're done with me in plenty of time before then," Jim says, and if Leonard notices the strain around his eyes, he doesn't say a god damned word.

The silence stretches between them, and after a while Leonard can't bear it any longer. He sits up, making a show of powering down his PADD, and nods towards the door.

"If you don't need me for anything, I'm gonna get some shut-eye," he says. "Got a double shift tomorrow."

Jim nods absently. "I know," he says, and puts his PADD down as well. He pauses for a moment as Leonard gets up, then reaches out, fingers skimming over the other man's arm before pulling back.

"Bones... are we okay?" His voice is soft, so unlike the famed Jim Kirk that McCoy stops in his tracks.

"I didn't _do_ this, did I?" Jim asks, and he gestures between them. "I--" He looks lost for a moment, far younger than his thirty-five years, and for a split-second Leonard is back in his dorm room all those years ago, watching Jim try to say thank you for giving a shit about his birthday.

Compulsively, he reaches out, taking Jim's hand in a grip so tight anyone else would've winced. Jim doesn't even blink. "It's nothing you did," he says. "Please believe that. I just--" He pauses, shakes his head.

"You were born for this, Jim. Space has always been your home, and I've never seen a better Captain," he says. "But I miss Earth; I've always known I was going to go back, put down roots, and I've always known it was going to be way before you were ready to."

He takes a breath. "It's time, Jim," he says. "You don't need me anymore, and to be honest, watching you out here? I'm not sure you ever did. Your dad would've been so proud of you, kid. Almost as much as I am, every day."

Jim's eyes are bright in the dimness of his quarters, the ambient light making them glow. "I needed you," he says. "I'll always need you."

And then his free hand comes up to touch Leonard's cheek, thumb skimming over his stubble before resting lightly against his lower lip.

"You're my best friend," he says, and it's almost a parody of their conversation over a decade ago; Leonard doesn't know whether he wants to laugh or cry. "We could be so good together if you’d _let_ us."

"It's not that simple," Leonard says, but he turns his face into Jim's hand. “We’ve tried before, remember?”

Jim moves closer, his free hand coming up to grip his waist in a move so smooth that Leonard nearly rolls his eyes. Suddenly the space between them isn’t any space at all, and he can see the pale striations in Jim’s pupils, feel his breath against his cheek.

“Tell me to stop and I will,” Jim says.

Leonard doesn’t say a god damned word.


	4. Chapter 4

**THEN: LEONARD**

Ironically, it’s the Khan mission that brings everything to a head.

Leonard’s been repressing his unnamed feelings for Jim with a tenacity that would impress even Spock, has been for years now, and he’s been doing just _fine_. (Fine being a relative term, of course, but ‘not entirely dissatisfied’ would be far more accurate.)

Jo is growing up and has started mentioning Starfleet during their comms, and last shore leave they’d actually gotten two whole weeks together. Jim had bullied his way into spending a couple of days with them before fucking off to god knows where, ruffling Jo’s hair and pulling Leonard in a hug that lasted a couple seconds too long.

All in all, life had been as good as it was ever going to get.

Until Khan.

Until Scotty had brought Jim to McCoy in a god damned body bag, and every single emotion that Leonard had pushed down came bubbling up to the surface. His legs wouldn’t hold him and he’d been grateful for the chair that prevented him from collapsing on his ass in front of his entire staff, but his entire world had narrowed to Jim’s still features, his once-bright eyes shut for one final time.

_Regret_ had tasted like ash in his mouth.

And then the tribble had _breathed_.

What followed had been a whirlwind of days blending into nights, bent over feverish research after Spock and Uhura had hauled Khan’s unconscious ass in for him. Leonard hadn’t slept, barely eaten, so entirely focused on grafting a ‘cure’ from the augment’s blood that even the Vulcan had begun casting worried glances in his direction.

Leonard had ignored everything and everyone, _including Jo_ , and didn’t breathe properly until Jim opened those god damned eyes again.

“ _Don’t be so melodramatic. You were barely dead.”_

And that should have been the end of it.

_Would have been_ , had it not been for Jim himself, with Leonard cursing the captain and his bull-headed determination to believe he was _no longer sick_.

It had been two months since what Spock had officially reported as a coma, to cover the gross ethical violations that Leonard committed in favor of bringing Jim back from death itself, and Jim Kirk had decided he’d had enough of Medical.

He’d waited until Leonard was off shift and then browbeat the doctor on call into releasing him, promising to come back for every single checkup before putting on his clothes and simply walking out the door. While it had been true that Leonard had been overly cautious by pushing back his release dates, Jim had committed a total _faux passe_ by overriding his authority as his attending physician.

When Leonard gets the call that Jim’s been released, he’s already in his medical whites and about to go on duty. _Apoplectic_ doesn’t even begin to cover his state, and he slaps his palm down on his vidcom panel so hard that it stings.

Already shrugging on his jacket, he curses loudly and colorfully, halfway across his apartment when the door slides open, the soft hiss barely audible over his ire.

Jim is, of course, standing in his doorway.

“Don’t be mad,” he says.

His hands are white around the knuckles as he grips the door frame, clearly needing the support to keep himself upright, and his eyes are very, very blue.

_God damn it, Jim_ , thinks McCoy, and says as much.

In the end, he doesn’t haul Jim back to Medical, instead calls in sick for his shift and helps the other man to his bed.

“I’m sorry,” Jim mumbles, practically sinking into his sheets. “I just needed to get out of there. I won’t overdo it, all right?”

McCoy grumbles something uncharitable about Jim and damned fool Starfleet captains in general, but the other man doesn’t even hear it; he’s already out like a light.

Predictably, Jim sleeps for thirteen hours straight, and Leonard never gets further than the length of one room away from him as he monitors his vitals. When Jim wakes up, Leonard can’t help but fuss over him a bit, bringing him his lunch on a tray.

Jim is warily grateful at first, then suspicious, and by the third day of Leonard hovering over him, he’s pretty much done. Leonard takes a quick shower and comes out to find Jim already dressed and halfway across the living room, a guilty look on his face when he realizes that McCoy has spotted him.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” says Leonard flatly. “You were going to sneak out without so much as a thank you note?”

“I was going to comm you,” Jim says defensively. “After--”

“After you passed out on the street, trying to get transport out of here?” Leonard cuts in. “Christ almighty, Jim. I always knew you were a reckless little shit, but after everything we _did_ for you-- _I could lose my license_. The least you could do is _recover_ before going out and getting yourself killed again--”

Jim kisses him.

As far as techniques go in shutting Leonard up, it’s an effective one. Jim kisses him and Leonard shuts up and lets him, even kissing him back as he gets his hands on his waist and tries not to flinch at how much weight he’s lost.

Jim gives a small shudder and tries to deepen the kiss, pushing closer, but Leonard gives up every inch that Jim tries to take. He doesn’t want to hurt him, he’s seen the charts and every manner of test that modern science can think to run, and Jim is still a far cry from _healthy_.

Leonard runs a hand down Jim’s spine, as if to say-- _slow, slower_ \-- but Jim isn’t having any of it.

He breaks off the kiss with a noise of disgust, fisting a hand in McCoy’s shirt and shoving him against the wall.

“God damn it, Bones, _touch me,_ ” Jim shouts. It’s a testament to how truly weak he still is that Leonard doesn’t even really feel it, or maybe it’s just the adrenaline that’s coursing through his own veins. “I’m not going to break, just fucking— touch me!”

His eyes are wild, bright with unshed tears and, quite suddenly, Leonard is past the point of caring, too. He realizes that he’d crossed that line sometime after the fourth stim in a row last month, bleary and hopeless and praying to every god he knew and some he didn’t.

Because Jim is alive now, fierce and vibrant and _alive_ , and he’s here, and he wants Leo almost as much as Leo wants him.

And so they fuck-- something Leonard had promised himself he wouldn’t do again, not unless Kirk got serious and grew up some and knew exactly what he’d be in for.

They fuck because they’re both still hurting, bleeding from wounds that no one else can see, because losing themselves in each other is going to stave off the darkness, the fear, if only for a little bit.

“Bones,” Jim breathes, and he’s biting at Leo’s lip and licking into his mouth, tearing at his clothes almost frantically. “Come on, please, please, Bones. Need you, promised me you would— _please_ —“

Leonard tries to be gentle, mindful of Jim’s state, but Jim won’t have any of it. He leaves marks on Leonard’s back and digs his heels into his ass, urging him to go faster, deeper, taking as much of Leonard inside of himself as he can and finally, with a groan, Leo just gives it to him.

They fuck until they’re both sore and bleeding, Jim’s lower lip bitten raw and Leo’s thighs tinged with red. Jim hadn’t been gentle during the second time, pushing between Leo’s legs and taking him with the bare amount of prep, trembling as he pushed his fingers into Leo’s body.

It’d been the best pain he’d ever felt.

By the third time, it’s pitch black outside, and Jim is a furnace plastered against his chest, a leg thrown over his.

“Bones,” he whispers. “I want you again. Fuck me, please.”

His eyes are large, luminescent, and Leo’s protests die against his throat. He tries to be gentle but Jim is still loose from the first time, slick from lube and Leo’s come, and in the end he presses Jim into the mattress and fucks into him the way Jim had wanted, the way he begs him to.

“Fuck, Bones,” Jim cries out, spreading his legs as wide as he can, trying to take more of him, greedy for it still.

Leonard feels like he’s out of his mind, he loves him so fucking much, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. He pulls out and urges Jim on his back, wanting, needing to see his face, flushed and alive, and pushes back in a smooth motion that makes them both gasp.

He kisses Jim hard and deep, fucking his mouth the way he’s fucking his ass, and in the end Jim shudders his orgasms in the tight space between their bodies, his cock completely untouched.

Later, when Jim is asleep in his arms, Leonard lets himself muse that maybe, maybe this means something for them. That maybe Jim wants what he does, something he’s wanted for as long as he can remember, and that maybe they can make things work.

And then two days later, he walks in on Jim kissing Carol Marcus, and he realizes that while some things have changed, others remain completely the same.

He stands in the doorway and clears his throat, and both of them at least have the grace to look embarrassed.

“Bones, this isn’t—“

“Doctor McCoy, I—“

They talk so quickly that they overlap, and Leonard holds up a hand to forestall further comment. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that Jim had visitors,” he says. The man had been readmitted the night before for a series of tests scheduled today, and Leo had honestly thought he’d been alone.

They hadn’t talked about anything since the day they’d taken each other apart— damn it, he’d been trying to be sensitive and wait more than forty-eight hours— and it looked like Jim had decided what he’d wanted all by himself.

Which, Leonard tells himself as he downloads Jim’s data from biobed to PADD, he’s completely fine with.

“Am I gonna live?” Jim asks, smile strained as he attempts to break the growing silence.

Their eyes meet and something passes between, unspoken and electric, an apology in Jim’s eyes but something else entirely in Leo’s.

_You’re my best friend, Jim. You need me, I'm here._

Regardless of what had happened between them, there is nothing in Leonard that can be anything less than completely and utterly grateful that Jim is alive. Being with him in exactly the way Leo wants— it isn’t in the cards for them now, and maybe it never will be, but Leo would rather have all of his best friend than half of nothing at all.

To him, the choice has always been easy.

He reaches out, gripping Jim’s ankle briefly over the thin hospital blanket. “You’re going to be fine.”

* * *

**NOW** **:** **LEONARD**

Leonard doesn’t quite know how they’ve managed to make it to the bed, but Jim’s uniform shirt is on the floor and his is half-way off.

Jim is on his lap, straddling him as he tugs off Leonard’s blues, tossing the shirt away as if it’s somehow offensive to him. When they’re finally bare-chested, Leonard reaches out and pulls Kirk against him, _hard_ , sucking along the column of his throat before reaching his mouth in a kiss that Jim desperately returns.

It’s _good_. Better than good, better than Leonard remembers, the sensation familiar and new all at the same time. Old lovers coming back together, and Jim is gripping his shoulders like he’s afraid Leonard is going to get up and leave if he doesn’t.

“ _Bones_ ,” he says, and McCoy shudders. “ _Bones, I--_ ”

“It’s okay, kid,” Leonard says. “Me too.” They look at each other for a moment longer, holding each other tight enough to bruise, before Kirk moves back in, kissing him deeply, and pushes him back on the bed.

It’s been a long time, _too long_ , since McCoy has had another man in his bed, but Jim’s always been good at this part, and nothing about it feels anything less than right.

They make love-- there’s no other word for it, not really-- and McCoy would cringe at the saccharine description if it weren’t so damned accurate. They’re both sober, for one thing, and they take their time with each other in a way that they never have before.

Leo keeps his eyes open when Jim finishes preparing him, finally kissing his way up his body. Slick is dripping from between his legs and Leo shudders when the other man finally rests his weight him. Their mouths meet, too gentle, and then Jim is pushing inside, fingers moving from his waist to his wrist and then sliding against his palm.

“ _Jim_ ,” he breathes, and he almost doesn’t recognize his own voice, he sounds so fucking wrecked and Jim’s barely even moving, yet.

But Jim just kisses him quiet, breath hot against his mouth, sharing air and simply _existing_ _._

“ _It’s okay_ ,” he says. “ _I know_.” And then he pulls back, rolling his hips achingly slow, and their fingers entwine.

They’re holding hands, god help him, and Leo would roll his eyes if it didn’t feel so _right_. Every point of contact between them feels like it’s on fire, and Jim’s eyes burn into his, luminous in the dim light.

Leo’s chest _aches_ with how much he loves this man, and he doesn’t say it because he _can’t_ , and eventually he closes his eyes and just lets himself _feel_. It hurts more than he thought it would, to be with Jim like this, to finally drop the very last of his walls and just let him have everything that Leo is.

They make love for hours, barely dozing in between, drunk on each other in a way that is not entirely dissimilar to their brief time after Khan. They don’t tear each other apart like they did all those years ago, not physically, but Leonard feels flayed open, _raw_ , and somehow he still can’t get enough.

Afterwards, Jim holds him from behind, one hand over his heart, the other wrapped around his waist. His chin is pressed against McCoy’s shoulder, nuzzling at his hair.

“It’s always been you, Bones,” he says softly. “It’s always going to be you.”

And then, softer: “I love you.”

Leonard has enough mercy left in him to keep pretending to be asleep, and he feels Jim press a kiss against his jaw before sliding out of bed.

To anyone else, it would’ve been a simple admission of love, but Leonard knows Jim well enough to take it exactly as intended.

This is Jim Kirk saying goodbye.


	5. Chapter 5

**THEN: LEONARD**

The last time that Leonard allows himself to _hope_ is on the Yorktown.

It’s after Edison has made a good god damned mess of the station, right after the party that Leo throws for Jim.

They'd both had too much to drink and Leonard had, for the first time in a long time, not only allowed himself to respond to Jim’s amorous attempts, but had actually made some of his own. He’s high on life and trying to run away from grief, doing his level best not to think about all the crew they’ve lost on this shit show of a mission, and Jim’s right there with him.

They fall into bed together shortly after the party winds down, some of the light returning to Jim’s eyes after they watch the Enterprise-A being built at the dock. They laugh when they undress each other, fingers fumbling, grasping for whatever joy they can reach.

It’s like nothing has changed even though everything has, and they crash together with a desperation that would embarrass Leonard if he’d been thinking clearly. They fall into each other again and again, finding each other in the synthesized darkness of Jim’s bedroom, and Leonard allows himself to think of nothing but _Jim_.

“ _Bones, I--_ ” At some point in the night, Jim finally breaks, his voice sounding halfway into a sob. It’s their third time tonight and this time Leo’s pressed against him ( _in him)_ from behind, one arm bracketing his torso and the other wrapped around his cock. He sounds fucked out and fucked _up,_ stretched out on his side in a position that was designed for comfort but is currently anything _but_ , and Leo rocks up into him once more, moving his hand in time to his thrusts.

“ _Tell me_ ,” Leo says, voice rough. “You know I’ll give it to you. Anything you want, Jim, I--”

“Faster,” Jim begs. “Just-- _Please_ , Bones, I need--”

Leo obliges him, teeth closing on the join between his shoulder and neck, hips thrusting into him _hard_. Jim shudders, an arm reaching behind him awkwardly to grasp whatever he can reach-- Leo’s flank-- and digs in. Leo could swear he draws blood at one point, but he doesn’t even care because Jim is coming again, clenching against his cock so tightly that it would have brought him off if he wasn’t so tightly wound.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Jim gasps, “Fuck, Bones. C’mere, I--” But Leo just presses an apologetic kiss against his neck before moving Jim onto his back.

“I want to see you,” he says, and Jim nods, breathless, already spreading his legs. They kiss again, sloppy and graceless, and Leo pushes back inside of him with a swift thrust that makes Jim swear.

“God damn it,” he moans, and his thighs grip Leo’s waist as if caught between trying to push him out and keep him in, but in reality his body welcomes Leo like they were made for each other, swollen and sensitive but still sparking pleasure with every thrust.

It doesn’t take much for Leo to finish, not with Jim looking so utterly wrecked beneath him, and he spills into his body again, Jim gripping his shoulders so tightly that his fingers leave bruises.

_Jesus Christ._

This is why he doesn’t let himself do this, Leonard thinks, sucking in a breath as Jim pulls him close. Warmth radiates between them and the ember of hope that he carries for the other man blooms into an outright fucking _torch_.

It’s been a long time since Khan, since _Carol_ , and with Jim’s arms around him, Leo closes his eyes and lets himself _rest_.

***

The other shoe drops not even a full day after their night together, because reality is a bitch of a mistress.

Jim’s in the shower when his comm buzzes, a message notification flashing across his PADD’s screen. Leo doesn’t mean to look but his gaze skims it out of reflex, unused to waking in any other bed that isn’t his own.

He almost jerks back when he remembers that it isn’t his device, but the subject catches his eye and it gives him pause, holding his attention when otherwise he would’ve simply rolled back into bed.

 _Transfer application_.

Leo doesn’t have Jim’s access code but the message preview on screen holds enough information to tell him everything he needs to know; Commodore Paris wouldn’t have any say on crew assignments within the Enterprise herself, after all, and as CMO, Leonard would have known by now if anyone was transferring off ship.

Anyone, that is, except for _Jim_.

By the time the captain steps out of the bathroom, Leonard is fully dressed and waiting for him in the living room, Jim’s PADD carefully placed on the coffee table in front of him.

It takes Jim all of two seconds to put two and two together-- from Leo’s withdrawn expression to the fact that the device is blinking, signaling an unread message.

“I can explain,” Jim starts to say, but Leonard quickly overlaps him.

“You were going to leave?” He asks, and somehow his toneless voice is far more powerful than any shout. _‘Why didn’t you tell me?’_ hangs in the air, unspoken but heard all the same.

“I wasn’t thinking about you,” Jim starts, but then winces as he hears how it sounds. “It’s just-- I’ve been feeling lost. Out there. Never thought I’d say that about the black, but...” He trails off, frustration evident in his voice.

‘I applied for the position during a moment of weakness and never thought I’d get it, let alone accept it.”

“A moment of weakness?” Leo repeats. “Transfers on this level take weeks to clear outside of an emergency. The Yorktown mission has been on the docket for two months. Hell, Ben and Demora had time to ship out from _Mars_ to meet Sulu here! You’ve clearly had some time to think about this, Jim. _Try again._ ”

“I didn’t think--”

“That’s right,” Leo breaks in. “You didn’t think. Not about me, or _us_ , or any of your god damned crew. Every single person on _your ship_ is completely and utterly devoted to you-- hell, there isn’t a single person there that wouldn’t take a phaser for you-- and you were just going to walk away without a never-you-mind?”

Jim reels back as if slapped, all color draining from his face. “How can you say that to me?” he says. “I’ve _died_ for my crew--”

“And yet somehow you’re not willing to _live_ for them, you selfish bastard,” Leonard snaps.

They’re both breathing hard, the previous afterglow of their night completely shattered. Leo’s words hang above them like an executioner’s axe about to drop; he’s crossed a line and they both know it, but his temper is up and he’s furious, _furious_ at Jim and at himself, furious that he’d allowed himself to hope that Jim would ever see him as anything more than a friend and an occasional fuck.

It hurts more than anything he’s ever felt before, up to and including Jocelyn telling him that she’d been fucking his best friend behind his back for months. Leo’s been in love with Jim for years and years and years, forcing himself to be content with scraps of affection from a man who would never consider him a true partner.

In the back of his mind, he’d always thought that Jim just needed time to grow up, to be _ready_ _._ That if their time came, Leo would be glad of it, but that he wouldn’t waste his time pining for something that may or may not happen.

If the ache in his chest is anything to go by, however, the only person doing the fooling here had been Leonard himself.

The realization is like ice water in his veins.

After all, Jim had never promised him anything, and it was just Leo, in all his stupidity, that had hoped and hoped (even if he’d never admit it) that one day they would finally be something _real_ _._

“I’m sorry,” Leo says, finally. “That was--” His fists clench, then release. “That was beyond inappropriate.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose between forefinger and thumb. “I was pissed that you didn’t tell me, but that doesn’t excuse what I said,” he says. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“No, I get it--” Jim tries to say, but Leo goes on as if he hadn’t spoken.

“You’re the best captain in the fleet, and the best friend I’ve ever had,” he says. “But the rest of it-- you and me, like this...” He makes a vague motion towards the bed. “I can’t do it anymore, Jim. It’s messing with the rest of what we are to each other, whatever the hell that even is.’

His eyes fix on Jim’s, stormy but resolute. “I don’t want it anymore,” he says. “It’s too damned complicated.”

For a long moment, Jim stares right back at him, as if searching. His jaw clenches, taking in the determined set of Leo’s body.

"I'm sorry," Jim says finally, frustration evident in his voice. “This wasn’t what I wanted, Bones. I was fucked up and I should’ve talked to you about it, I know that now, but I thought I could get through it without--”

He runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "Just tell me what I can do to make this right."

 _Love me back_ , Leo wants to say. _Give me even a fraction of what I’ve given you._ But he bites down on his tongue so hard that he very nearly draws blood; he’s embarrassed himself enough to last a lifetime.

Instead, he moves forward, closing the distance between them as he cups Jim’s face in his hands.

"You're my best friend," Leo says, and presses a hard kiss against his mouth. "That's never going to change."

It's a curse and a promise rolled into one, and then he turns on his heel and walks out of Jim's quarters.

* * *

**NOW** **:** **LEONARD**

It’s been far too long since Leonard has felt the sun’s warmth on his face, and he takes great lungfuls of air as he stands on the platform at the dock.

Jo’s already there waiting, all smiles and hugs as he steps down to greet her.

“ _Daddy_ ,” she says, and for a moment Leonard sees his little girl again, all of eight years old and with two missing front teeth. And then he blinks and she’s a young woman, decked out in her very own Academy reds-- _though not for much longer_ , a voice inside of him whispers-- and she’s giving him a fond look.

“You get taller again, sweetheart?” he jokes, and she smothers a giggle in his shoulder. She hasn’t grown an inch in years, but Leo commenting on her height is practically tradition by now.

They make their way across the receiving area arm in arm, trying to catch each other up on their years apart. Jo is excitedly chattering about what her first assignment might be, and Leonard finds himself grinning from ear to ear.

He’s missed _this_ \-- being on Earth, being with his daughter _._ It’s a fresh start, a genuine chance to leave all the old hurts behind, and he’s lucky to have it.

Jo pauses in the middle of her story about a fellow cadet contracting some rare (and _hilarious_ , if she’s to be consulted) disease that turned him purple, and looks at him. “Where’d you go?” she asks. “Not even an hour back with me and you’re already daydreaming about Doctor Ava?”

There’s a sly look in her eyes as she says it, but it quickly melts away at Leonard’s response.

“No, I actually called it off,” he says honestly. “Told her that I’d like to keep contact if it was all right, but it wouldn’t be fair if we tried the, the _other_ thing.”

_You shouldn’t date if you’re already in a relationship._

Never mind that the other person isn’t necessarily _also_ participating in that relationship, but Leonard’s old enough to know better than to jerk someone around when his heart’s not his to give in the first place.

“Oh, dad,” Jo says sympathetically, reaching out to pat his hand. “For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.”

She pauses for all of two seconds before following up with: “Does this mean that you and uncle Jim are…?”

“No,” Leo says quickly. “No, we’re not.”

Jo’s face falls, and he slings an arm around her. “But you don’t need to worry about your old man, all right?” he says. “I worked out some things in my head before I left, and I think--”

He takes a breath, smiles. “Some things aren’t meant to be, and that’s all right.”

Some unnamed expression clouds Jo’s features for a moment, and then she says again, pityingly, “ _Oh, dad_.”

She reaches up to kiss him on the cheek, and then resumes her story about the purple cadet.

  
  


***

  
  


Jim’s commencement address goes as well as Leonard expects it to; his captain has never been anything but utterly charismatic, and he simultaneously enthralls and encourages Jo’s entire graduating class and then some. Even some of the parents look half in love with Starfleet (and Kirk himself) by the time Jim is done, and Leo shakes his head; he’s spent decades resigned to this fact.

Jo leaps into his arms as soon as they’re dismissed, and they wander over to the crowd that has gathered around Jim, waiting a respectful distance even as Jocelyn and Clay dote on their daughter.

Jim catches Leo’s eye and excuses himself from his admirers, making his way to their little group.

“Congratulations, Jo,” he says, and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Your dad’s always talking about how proud he is of you.”

“I’ll bet he does,” Jo says impishly, and Leo lets out a snort of laughter.

Jim exchanges brief pleasantries with Jocelyn and Clay before renewing his promise to take the McCoys out to lunch the day after, but as the conversation winds down, he surprises Leonard by placing a hand on his arm.

“Bones, can I have a word before you head out?”

They haven’t had a chance to really talk since they spent the night together, and there’s something in Jim’s eyes that tells Leo that this isn’t going to be some casual aside.

“I--” He wants to say no, that this isn’t the time, but there’s a barely restrained pleading on the captain’s face, and it’s naked enough that Leonard feels embarrassed enough for the both of them.

He nods instead, asking Jocelyn to give him a minute before allowing Jim to lead him out of earshot.

The crowd has dispersed to nearly nothing by now, and as they come to stand in a deserted corner of the room, Leo turns to Jim expectantly.

“I’m sorry about doing this here,” Jim says. “But you didn’t exactly give me the time of day after we--” He makes a vague gesture between them, and Leo sighs inwardly.

“You can say the words out loud, Jim,” he says. “It’s not like I’m going to report you for sleeping with me.”

Jim winces. “I know that,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure we were okay. I have a meeting with Admiral T’Nara tomorrow morning and--”

Over his shoulder, Jocelyn makes a show of tapping her chrono. Leonard frowns.

“We’re okay, Jim,” he says, taking the captain by the elbow and turning him around so that he can’t see his ex-wife rolling her eyes at him. “This isn’t our first rodeo, and I’m a big boy. I know where we stand.”

“ _Do you?_ ” Jim asks, desperation creeping into his voice. “Because you’re in a relationship with someone and I shouldn’t have-- done what I did. I’m an asshole, Bones, and I’m really sorry about--”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Leonard asks. At Jim’s wounded look, he sighs. “Ava and I weren’t exclusive at the time; your conscience can remain clear.”

“Still,” Jim says stubbornly. “It was hardly appropriate--”

“We’re also not seeing each other anymore,” Leo interrupts him. “So the point’s moot.” At the horrified expression on the other man’s face, he softens. “It’s all right, Jim. Really. I thought Ava and I had something, but after that night, I realized it wouldn’t be fair to pursue something more serious with her. Not right now.”

“Because you still have feelings for me,” Jim says. His voice is small and unusually soft, and Leo sighs loudly, the last of his patience finally deserting him.

“ _I swear to god, you have the worst timing_ \--” he mutters, rolling his eyes heavenward. “ _Yes_ , Jim, I still have feelings for you. I’ve had feelings for you since we were fucking cadets-- emphasis on the _fucking_ \-- and the fact that you still have to ask me that tells me everything I need to know about where you and I stand.”

“ _But I--_ ”

“But _nothing_ , Jim Kirk,” Leonard snaps. “Did I hold out hope that someday we’d retire on a little patch of planet with a picket fence and a dog? _Of course not_. I’m well aware of who you are, and I’ve stitched you up more times than I can count. You’re married to Starfleet, and if on some special occasions you remember that you’re also, _by some miracle_ , _still a man_ underneath that uniform, I’m happy to be your port in the storm. _As your friend_ ,” he adds hastily, before Jim can interject.

“So _yes_ , even after everything, _we_ _are good_ , Jim, because we are _always_ good. I stood by you after _Carol_ , for god’s sake; there’s nothing you could do to me now that’s worse than _that_.”

Jim opens and closes his mouth without saying anything, his eyes large and blue and impossible, and suddenly Leonard just feels _old._

“Look, I really have to go,” he says tiredly. “Jo and I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow, all right? Just forget about the other night; I already have.”

He claps Jim on the shoulder and makes his way back to his family, meeting Jo’s questioning stare with a shrug and a smile.

“So,” he says, carefully ignoring his ex-wife’s pointed look. “Who’s in the mood for some ice cream?”

  
  


***

  
  


The following day, lunch is not as awkward as Leonard fears it will be, though Jim is a touch less enthusiastic that he usually is around Jo.

Leo has enough grace to let it be, knowing that Jim is hardly a malicious person. He wouldn’t have brought it up if he’d known what it meant to Leonard, and he’s probably been beating himself up over it since.

The conversation flows easily as they both let Jo take the lead, talking about rumored upcoming missions and the latest ship to come out of Utopia Planitia.

They’re halfway through their entrees before Jim finally clears his throat, turning to Leonard during a brief lull in the conversation.

“I had that meeting with Admiral T’Nara this morning,” he says, a forced sort of casualness in his tone. “It turns out that the brass is looking to promote me to Vice-Admiral.”

Across the table, Jo’s eyes widen, but Jim’s gaze is steady. “They wanted to talk to me before making anything official, because...”

“Vice-Admirals don’t fly,” Leonard supplies.

Jim ducks his head. “Yeah,” he says. “I don’t-- You know I’m not the type to stay planet-side, but I--”

“You turned them down, right?” Leo cuts in. “You know you’ll never be happy unless you’re on a starship.”

“Well, see, I was thinking about that,” Jim says. “And I’ve been out there ten years, Sulu and Chekov are finally accepting their promotions to the Excelsior, and Spock--”

“I can’t think of a better captain of the Enterprise than Spock.”

Leonard purses his lips. “I don’t know, Jim,” he says dryly. “I can think of at least one person.”

But Jim goes on as if he hasn’t spoken, reaching into his pocket. “And there’s also this.”

He places a small, nondescript blue box on the table in front of Leonard, and Jo abruptly scrapes her chair back.

“Okay, I think that’s my cue to go to the bathroom,” she says, then gives Leo a pointed look. “ _Please_ don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, daddy.”

Leonard takes all of two seconds to acknowledge his daughter’s exit before turning back to the captain, brow furrowing as he takes In the other man’s earnest expression.

“ _Damn it, Jim.”_

Some things have changed over the centuries, but others have stubbornly remained the same. He’d have to be purposely dumb not to know exactly what’d fit in a box of that size, and his gaze flicks back to Jim, at the uncertainty now crossing his features.

“You can take a few days to think about it,” Jim says gamely. “But I just-- I thought about everything we’ve done up there, everything we’ve accomplished together, and I couldn’t imagine being on the Enterprise without you.”

He takes a breath, puffs out his chest a bit in a signature move that tells Leonard that he’s about to witness a James T. Kirk moment. _Jesus H. Christ, did the kid actually plan a speech?_

“It’s always going to be you, Bones,” Jim continues. “I don’t want to wait for another near-death experience to give me the courage to be with you, and I know-- _I know_ that I’ve fucked up more times than I can count. I know I don’t deserve a second chance--”

Leo gives him a _look_ , and Jim winces. “Or even a third or fourth,” he amends. “But I’m sorry. I wasn’t ready back then, I was too young and too selfish to know what I had with you, but Bones. I’m ready now. _I’m ready now_ , okay?”

He reaches out, clumsily taking Leonard’s hand and, _god help him,_ actually gets down on one knee. “You want to stay on Earth, I’ll stay. You want to leave Starfleet entirely, just say the word. Hell, we can even get the dog and the picket fence, stay in Georgia with your family.” Around them, the rest of the restaurant has gone silent. Many things have changed since the old days, but a human getting down on one knee still pretty much means what it always has.

“Space doesn’t have anything on you, Leonard McCoy,” Jim says. “And I know I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t follow you now, wherever you want to go, wherever you lead… I’m yours.’

‘ _Marry me, Bones._ ”

The silence stretches, Leonard opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. Seems like everyone on the whole damned planet is holding their breath, it’s so fucking quiet.

“Say something,” Jim pleads, finally. “ _Anything._ ”

And Leonard finally huffs a disbelieving laugh, reaching out to grip the nape of Jim’s neck and drawing him in for a soft kiss.

Their mouths meet, just once, and Leo smiles.

“You’re my best friend,” he says simply, and Jim takes it for the acquiescence that it is.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**LATER: LEONARD & JIM**

Strangely enough, they end up on the Yorktown. Not because of any particular request of Jim’s, but because Leonard had realized there wasn’t much for him on Earth after Jo had shipped out, and that he was far more likely to see her when assigned to a space station further out.

Jim had put in their requests without argument, and within six months, they were there.

There’s enough going on to keep Jim on his toes and it’s large enough for Leonard to feel as if he’s somewhere _solid_ , and for the first time in years, he feels whole, complete in a way he never had before. He’s big enough to acknowledge that this is Jim’s doing, full stop, though sometimes he’ll fret that this little bit of space won’t be nearly enough for the adventurer in Jim’s blood.

“Are you happy?” he asks once, thumbing against the platinum band that Jim now wears around his finger.

And Jim smiles, turning his hand over so that he can grip Leonard’s fingers. “Yes,” he says simply. “If you told me that we would spend the rest of our lives here, I’d be content.” He brushes his lips against Leo’s knuckles, then pulls at his hand to draw him into a loose embrace. _Smooth bastard._

He smiles, and the entire galaxy is reflected in those god damned eyes of his.

“I’m home,” Jim says, and Leonard believes it.

  
  


*FIN*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've finally finished it. ;___; This took forever and a day because my muses deserted me as I was in the middle of writing the final chapter, but now, months later, I was finally able to wrap it up. I hope anyone who's still around and reading this enjoys my small, very sedate take on McKirk. They're truly one of my favorite, oldest ships, and I look forward to seeing future iterations of them... wherever it may be.
> 
> Comments/kudos are much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading!


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